A Better Version

So I’m married. It’s been two months of marriage and I’m still trying to adjust to this “new way of life,” and navigating what “togetherness” really means. At times, I feel as if we are still two different entities, living two separate lives as roommates. People say marriage is very rewarding, yet it’s one of the most difficult things one has to actively choose and commit to daily.

Growing up, I never had a good role model for what a “healthy marriage” looks like. My parents did the best that they could to stay together for their children and faith was the bond that held them together. For the longest time, I had this fear that I would end up like my parents and that I would be just doing my “duties” as a wife and that I should get marry because I need a provider and security as I get older.

Well, here I am today, married. I can’t deny that I am struggling. However, my struggles are different from my parents. I do love my partner and have said “YES” to being with him till death do we part. My struggles lie in adapting and figuring out how we could merge our lives into one, and having the autonomy to fully express/voice out my needs and feeling the validation and heard. There’s this loneliness that I am filled with at times. Another main struggle that I have is missing the “old, free version of me.”

It does make sense that as we get older, we need to root ourselves and find that stability. I am thankful that I do have my roots established, I do have a stable/meaningful career, and a place I could come home to, but a part of me also miss the freedom to create and design my future. I miss that excitement and curiosity for what the future holds. Now, the only thing I think that is on my mind is merely “what should I cook next week for meal prep” or “whose wedding am I going to next?” I can’t help but feel as if this “normal way of life” is just how it will be moving forward, and I do admit it’s lonely feeling this way at times.

Despite how I truly feel deep down, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to vocalize it to others, my unconventional way of thinking aren’t always understood and sometimes it’s better to keep these thoughts locked and only written in a safe space. In the meantime, I’ll just do my best to always love intently and put care into everything I do for others, in my work and in my marriage. I also want to be gentle to myself, and love myself by tuning in with my feelings, always keeping God/faith as a focus of my relationship, and just do the best that I can and recognize my efforts. Although, I have always been the one to live for the future, I think maybe in this time and place, I am asked to just focus on what the present moment is offering me. Until then, I do hope that over time the old me could return again but this time, hopefully a better version.

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