“My Times Are In Your Hands”

I’m late by a month but hello, 2020! So the new year started and BAM I turned 29, with only a year left until I’m 30. Even though I am reminded daily by my loved ones that I’m getting older and approaching the age where I should be married, have kids, and get a house, etc., I still see myself in my early 20’s. However, due to societal/family peer pressures, sometimes I find myself having a post-quarter life crisis moment. “What am I doing with my life, am I really that old, will I never be married or have kids?” It’s so easy to get caught up with comparisons and despairs about where we should be in life at a specific timing. It use to drive me insane to not be at a certain place, point and time as everyone, but I’m pretty fazed by it now.

Growing up as a first-generation Asian American, I never had it easy. I always felt like there was always some sort of comparison among my peers/others. Being different or unique was never something my parents would encouraged me to do. It was always, “please take the normal/safe route.” By taking the safe route, you would graduate from college, get your master’s, get a boyfriend, marry him, and have your kids be rooted in a nice house. Although my parents meant well, I always had a hard time accepting myself for who I am. Instead of feeling like I belonged, I always felt as if there was something more to life than just the ordinary route. Hence, I traveled and lived in so many different countries and finally found myself in ways I never would have been able to if I were to take the ordinary route.

It wasn’t until I finally felt ready to come home and established my roots that I really started to commit to it. Sure enough, things started to fall in place. God blessed me with a job right after I grad school and with a kind supportive boyfriend along the way. He then transferred me to a new and better job in a bigger city after a year. There is a roof over my head with food in my fridge, and a nice bed to rest in after a long day of work. After a year of living here, I am slowly starting to build my own community, and getting more involved. It feels very liberating to slowly have my roots established here.

As grateful as I am with my current life, there are days where I still find others asking when I plan to get marry now that I’m getting older… It’s funny because I had to stop, reflect and reminded myself the following quote from my post last year:

“It will reasonate, but you will know you are at the right place with the right person when it’s the right time.”

It can be extremely exhausting having to meet up to everyone’s expectation and societal pressures. Women are taught in the society to believe that they are not completely whole unless they have a family. As sad as the reality may be, and as hard as it is to disappoint my loved ones, I have to do what is right for me. Marriage is a lifetime bond that cannot be broken, and it’s where God unites two completely different individual body, mind, heart and soul as one.  Once you say, “I do,” you vow to take the person “for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part.” It’s definitely not a light matter but a lifetime choice. Therefore, I want to take time to only learn and love my partner better as myself before I fully dive into the next stage of my life. What’s a year or two of waiting versus a lifetime bond?

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I wholeheartedly believe that God gives each and every single person a different timeline. There is a time for everything and no one’s life is the same as the other. Our loved ones may believe that they know what’s best for us and societal pressures will support that idea, but it’s not their call. Rather, it’s in God’s timing that we tend to overlook. God works in mysterious ways and if it wasn’t for him, I would not be where I am today. For the past 7 years, he has played a huge part in my life and will continue to orchestrate the rest of my life story. The me back when I was 13-18 was really timid and would try my best to please everyone to a fault. Yet the person that I am today is different from yesterday. I will continue to trust in the Lord with his timing and ask that I am only granted with the wisdom to know when.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9.

Until then, like a child I will patiently wait…  In the meantime, I will continue to build a community of love while trusting that your timing is nothing but P E R F E C T.

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